9 Bizzare Interviewees that ONLY come to a startup

by 11:09:00 AM 0 comments
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

When life gives you bananas, you go minion.

But what do you do when life gives you creepy interviewees?

Easy as a grumpy cat meme! You make a blog, share it with your folks and watch it go more viral than baby-poop-face videos.

Go on, take a look at the circadian wackiness that will have you guffawing guts-spilling hard!




1. The Cocky Bunnies


They are the ones who usually end up interviewing the interviewer. They have the smug look that comes from conquering a whole galaxy (but why our Milky Way man..WHY)  and will nod their heads in condescension to everything we say.




And their application reads something like this—


How could we ask for something so obvious…obviously.




2. The Umm… Guys


We doubt if even the lightning bolts of Zeus can make them talk. The only response you can possibly elicit from them is an unending sequence of umms.

“So, tell us something about yourself.”  Umm…umm…

“What’s your dream job?”  Umm…umm…

Do you know what we do?”  Umm…umm... 

“This is getting seriously weird man…”   Umm..umm…




And their application probably looks like—


umm..




3. The Startup Junkies


Oh! They are the crème de la crème of the cluster. They have their own algorithm to translate everything we say and it works something like this—

"What do you know about startups?” = Talk about Silicon Valley

"So, you have had startup experience?” = Talk about hanging out in Palo Alto

"What can you add to our organisation?” =  Talk about Y Combinator…Angel…blah blah…Facebook…Steve Jobs…more blah blah…living on the edge…blah blah…billion dollars…blah…blah…

At this time, you silently hide that glass of water hoping that maybe their mouths will get dry, their throats will parch and they will drop dead.




And of course, their intro—


Sure, but we think a grammar book might shape your career better.




4. The Bat-crap Shitter


Their whole life is planned around the phrase ‘Just Shit It’.

“What do you know about digital marketing?”  I have a Facebook as well as a Twitter account. Duh!

“Why did you leave your last job?”  The boss was a douchebag. Do you know the origins of the word douchebag? Hey just look how black that crow is!

“What book inspires you the most?”  Of course Harry Potter! You see, it is about a fight for a throne made of  a thousand  swords. They also have an army of tiny men…I think they are called hobos or something…and they have to fight zombies….by  swatting at them with broomsticks…while riding dragons…




Oh! And their intro…


Explore yourself fully you say? Hmm… Have you tried thrusting a dildo into your you-know-where, gargling balls and jerking off at the same time?




5. The Bonds


They believe that tuxedoes and infinite layers of make-up are all a startup can ever need. The interview almost always fails to take place because the interviewer has passed out from the stench of their perfumes. And if inadvertently the meeting does take place, it is only for the interviewer to faint again upon hearing the salary expectations— “A 1000 %  raise because that is what Amazon pays and everybody knows it is a startup and so are you.”   Ahem…ahem…




And here it comes…


Two minutes of silence.




6. The Dopester


They come looking like Snoop Dog, talk dope like Honey Singh and act crazy like Kanye West. Sometimes, we have to judge the book by the cover because we are too afraid to open it.




And their application—


Nopes, we ain’t accessing anything. You are the one who is high, not us.




7. The Fish out of Water


They have the bamboozled air of a muggle who woke up one day to find himself wandering the streets of Diagon Alley. They don’t know why they want to work in our startup and neither do we.




And their application can put the best of abstract expressionism to shame.


Yeah. Go figure.




8. The Bruce Waynes


They are the visionaries, the savers, the enterprisers. They believe it is their self-enforced birth-right to gift the world startup gems like…Tinder.




Their application—



Maybe your business got tired of you.




9. The wannabe Harvey Specters


Students seeking Gurus is so passé. The wheels have turned. We have had the (mis)fortune to meet several marketing heads, CTOs and CFOs who are hawkishly looking for that perfect startup where they can ‘mentor the founders’ . When we try telling them we already have advisers, this is their response—




And their application…


After this, we made sure to add a company clause against the hiring of vampires, particularly against those that don’t have any respect for caps and punctuation.



Heya fellas! If you have had similar stories (or simply loved the blog), we would love to hear about it in the comments below. And please do like us and share us. Tada…